Not dead...

...I just wish I was. I've been sick for the past nine days, and I'm not getting better.

My guess? My manhood is just too massive, and my heart can't handle it anymore.

Actually, it's looking like tonsilitis or mono. I tried to write a letter last night, and I couldn't even keep my hands up. Cusssses. More as soon as I'm able.

Brett Writes to Amy's Vegan Kitchen

Brett Writes to WBXT-TV

Brett Writes to UPS

Brett Writes to NASA

Brett Writes to Zales Jewelers for Valentine's Day

Brett Writes to His Local Chase Bank

Brett Writes to The New York Times

Brett Writes to the Queen of England

Brett Writes to the Religious Supply Center for Ash Wednesday

Brett Writes to Presidential Hopeful Mike Gravel

Brett Proudly Presents The First Annual Golden Sleeve of Wizard Award

As one might colloquially say, Bud Light done fucked up. I present this internationally renowned award of shame to Bud Light for their "Ability to Fly" commercial. This commercial had all opportunity to offend and be funny. Instead, it was lamer than Christopher Reeve's legs and Al Gore's personality combined into one flaccid member. Watch this commercial and observe as the once-funny Anheuser-Busch makes sure not to offend Auntie Mildred's Pampered Chef parties.

Brett Writes to Idaho's Attorney General