Brett Writes to an Assisted Suicide Clinic in Switzerland

Trojan Condoms Writes to Brett

I get asked probably once a day what kind of replies I get to my letters. I get very, very few replies. These letters are frequently offensive and ignorant enough that they don't even warrant a reply from the most magnanimous and consumer-friendly of organizations.
So imagine my surprise last night when probably my most absurd and stupid letter got a response. There was a thick envelope waiting for me when I got home from work last night. Who wrote to lil' ol' me? The Church & Dwight Company, Inc. These guys are the parent company of Trojan condoms.

Click here to read my incredibly stupid letter.

Because of my supposed raging ignorance about condoms, they were kind enough to send a small brochure about how to use their product next time I'm with the lady-folk. The form letter from them was half disappointing, and half hilarious.

I write to them suggesting that their water balloons might be good for sex, and they say "sorry".

Also, for my trouble, they sent me a check for $5. (I've blocked out the routing/account/check numbers, because I'm not an asshole/idiot)

Brett Plans an Anderson Cooper Party!

Brett Fights Diabetes by Writing to Liberty Medical

Brett Tells Jokes to Conan O'Brien

Brett Incorporates His Own Business

Brett Writes to Ditech Mortgages

Ask Jesus: A new advice column at B&HT

Along the right panel of the website, I'll be featuring "Ask Jesus".

Today is the column's first installment. Jesus answers a letter from Janet in Gainesville, Florida. Click play to hear Jesus' reply.

Dear Jesus,

Just recently I passed through Louisiana on a drive to Florida. On a stop at a gas station, I came across the most amazing thing.... single-dose birth control packets! Should I trust these little miracle pills to block the trucker’s tadpoles?

Word to your mother, yo.

Janet

Hit play to hear Jesus' reply:



If the player doesn't load for you, click this link instead: Listen to Jesus!

E-mail Jesus at: jesuschrist@typewriterbrett.com

Brett Writes to Charles Schwab (Himself)

Brett Writes to Pro-Literacy Worldwide

Also, a quick question. Is writing "Fuck the illiterate!" more like flipping off a blind man, or listening patiently to a mute?

Brett Hires a Butler

Brett Writes to the Ruger Firearms Corporation

Brett Writes to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Brett Writes to Representative Darlene Hooley

Brett Writes to Dalmation Rescue, Inc.

Coach Brett Writes to Crown Trophies

Brett Writes to the Associated Press

The AP Finds Drugs in Drinking Water

Brett Writes to the Washington Apple Commission

Brett Writes to Crayola Crayons

Brett Writes to Chicago's Dumbest Councilman

Chicago hopes to ban small plastic bags.

Brett Writes to His Shampoo Manufacturer

Brett Writes to "Garfield" Creator Jim Davis