Brett & His Typewriter

Adieu

2008-10-02T01:26:00.002-04:00

It's been an awful year, which means it's been a great year for writing. My heart's just not in this project anymore. I still love writing letters, and will gladly correspond with anyone who writes. It makes me smile that the letter with the most vague reference was my last.

I've just had something take the wind out of my sails this month.

Ah well.

Brett Jensen: A fan of bad literary puns, not of seafood.

2008-09-22T16:15:00.004-04:00

Brett writes to his next-door neighbor

2008-09-17T17:37:00.001-04:00

Write to your local congress member. Brett did!

2008-09-16T16:46:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to FannieMae

2008-09-11T12:51:00.000-04:00

America Needs Chris Berman (No, really!)

2008-09-09T10:29:00.003-04:00

Brett votes for at least 59 cents of change.

2008-09-03T14:26:00.001-04:00

Brett's Gonna be a STAR!

2008-08-28T09:35:00.001-04:00

Brett Joins a New Party!

2008-08-27T15:42:00.001-04:00

An Open Letter Seeking the Position of Truancy Officer

2008-08-25T10:44:00.007-04:00

"Cody" the Whale Died

2008-08-22T14:10:00.001-04:00

Brett is a Girl Gone Wild

2008-08-11T18:29:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes (no joke) to Jesus Christ

2008-08-08T16:45:00.004-04:00

So I suppose this one needs a little back story.

I've wanted for awhile to write a letter to a completely random person. I planned on blocking their name out to protect their identity, and just type them an utterly absurd letter. For reasons I don't care to recall, I did a white pages search for Jesus Christ, and searched here in New York state. Lo and fucking behold, there's someone listed in the white pages as "Jesus Christ" 3.5 miles from where I live.

"Brooklyn." I said calmly to myself, "Yeah, that makes sense."

At this point, there's really no reason to block out his name. If you either were named Jesus Christ, or changed your name to Jesus Christ and are happily listed in the phone book, you've effectively asked for it.

150th Posting Brett Writes to Michael Moore

2008-08-06T15:03:00.003-04:00

Because I know that I'll receive an e-mail about this, I'm letting you all know that "catty-corner" is an acceptable alternative to the "kitty-corner" you all seem to prefer. Additionally, I'm always correct, and you only pass off competence on occasion. Congrats.

Brett wonders if there's life on NASA.

2008-08-05T15:01:00.001-04:00

Lord Brett Epistleizes David Letterman

2008-07-30T18:11:00.001-04:00

Brett valiantly attempts to save a small Japanese town from their certain doom.

2008-07-29T16:09:00.001-04:00

Brett hath not talent, sire!

2008-07-24T23:19:00.001-04:00

I'm sick of writing blog titles for this shit. Just read the letter.

2008-07-23T23:59:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to Paul Wall

2008-07-22T13:34:00.002-04:00

In the considerably fortunate circumstances upon which you haven't heard of Paul Wall, promptly lose your virginity (and lunch) while watching this: The worst thing ever created.

Brett is dead.

2008-07-19T10:27:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to Mr. Joe's Portable Toilets

2008-07-15T17:28:00.001-04:00

Great success.

2008-07-07T01:31:00.002-04:00

Good eve, all.

Thank you for your forbearance. I have letters forthcoming.

Also, a question for you all. Am I allowed to feel a bit saddened at the fact that an ex-girlfriend sold a Tiffany's necklace I gave her on eBay?

The answer, as any connoisseur of relational matters will tell you is, "Of course not! Don't have girlfriends!"

Brett re-bought his virginity.

2008-06-22T01:22:00.001-04:00

Brett writes to "Party Croatia"

2008-06-20T01:54:00.002-04:00

Brett is not sober.

2008-06-19T02:32:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to GLAD Trash Bags

2008-06-17T17:32:00.000-04:00

Brett Has One Too Many (and writes to Guinness)

2008-06-13T17:14:00.001-04:00

Brett really didn't like the new Indiana Jones movie.

2008-06-12T15:59:00.002-04:00

Besides, why was that one horse in like every single scene?

Brett Wants You to Help Control the Pet Population

2008-06-11T12:46:00.001-04:00

Connoisseur Brett Reviews Franzia Boxed Wines, and Dom Perignon Champagne

2008-06-10T15:04:00.004-04:00

You get two letters today.

Why?

Because you're a dick.

Seriously, April O'Neil was sexy.

2008-06-09T14:49:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday, Everyone.

2008-06-06T16:25:00.002-04:00

Brett Knows The History of Sex

2008-06-05T16:58:00.001-04:00

Brett Buys Some Dueling Pistols

2008-06-04T18:19:00.003-04:00

Brett Loves Children

2008-06-03T14:32:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to the European Organization for Nuclear Research

2008-06-02T17:37:00.006-04:00

Brett (and Michelle Trachtenberg) Write to J.D. Power & Associates

2008-05-30T14:18:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to the 3M Corporation

2008-05-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

Brett is a fan of Goldfish crackers. (and your mom)

2008-05-28T14:55:00.002-04:00

"Brett, you're a total asshole. Only stupid and terrible people like Goldfish crackers. If you love them so much, why don't you marry them? Or at least write them a letter." This is a 100% accurate quote straight from the mouth of the author of Red Pen, Inc. She wants me dead.

Brett Writes to the Wheel of Fortune

2008-05-27T16:00:00.002-04:00

Sarah Jessica Parker USED to look like a horse. Now she looks like a dead horse.

2008-05-22T12:33:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to Random House Publishing

2008-05-21T15:09:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to Office Depot to Corner the Paperclip Market

2008-05-20T16:08:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to Custom Limo Designers

2008-05-19T17:29:00.001-04:00

Brett Purchases Some Lab Rats

2008-05-16T16:40:00.001-04:00

Brett Just Wanted to Dance!

2008-05-14T13:51:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to a Farm Animal Sanctuary in Upstate New York

2008-05-13T12:42:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to Charmin Toilet Paper

2008-05-12T15:44:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to the ATF

2008-05-09T15:00:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to Gannett Newspapers

2008-05-08T12:01:00.002-04:00

100th LETTER SPECIAL! - Brett Writes to the CW Television Network

2008-05-07T17:00:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to Scarlett Johansson

2008-05-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

Brett writes to NYC Criminal Court to plead his ticket

2008-05-05T12:22:00.006-04:00

Brett Writes to Idiom Internet Providers

2008-05-02T09:57:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to the Swedes to End American Idol

2008-05-01T17:20:00.003-04:00

Brett shan't play that immoral GTA IV game.

2008-04-30T14:23:00.001-04:00

Brett isn't too old for a "Your mom" joke.

2008-04-28T18:21:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to the Germans This Time

2008-04-25T14:51:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to a French Cardinal

2008-04-24T10:25:00.001-04:00

Brett Doesn't Want to Adopt a Goddamn Baby!

2008-04-22T14:36:00.002-04:00

Office Profanity

2008-04-21T17:05:00.003-04:00

Well? You heard the man.

Brett gives Fujifilm a stern talking-to

2008-04-21T11:00:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to Bombardier Subway Car Manufacturers

2008-04-18T16:48:00.003-04:00

Brett is one of 90 million Americans suffering from a bad pancake incident.

2008-04-17T15:24:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes a Press Release to Welcome the Pope to NYC

2008-04-16T12:41:00.001-04:00

Brett has a Mirapex problem.

2008-04-15T10:44:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to an Ice Cream Truck Manufacurer

2008-04-14T13:06:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to the National Downs Syndrome Society

2008-04-10T16:36:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to the Society of Antiquaries in London

2008-04-08T16:10:00.005-04:00

Brett Writes to The Home Depot

2008-04-07T10:16:00.005-04:00

No. No, you can't have any.

2008-04-04T16:15:00.003-04:00

So, for a solid month now, I've posted a letter for every weekday, plus fairly frequent updates on weekends. I need a goddamn break. Don't worry, I'll just be gone the weekend. Kickball and alcohol are on the agenda.

Traffic has gone through the roof here, and it's probably a bad time to need a break... but there's only so much quality and class that I can cram up your ass at one time.

I'll be returning with more "ASK JESUS", and plenty more letters. Your feedback keeps me going. If you're too shy a flower to talk to me, at least e-mail Jesus to ask him a question.

Hearts and sex,

Brett

P.S. If you're a total asshole who simply needs to laugh, here's a good link from the past: Click here, you greedy slut.

Brett Writes to the Society for Sex Therapy and Research

2008-04-03T12:06:00.001-04:00

Brett Writes to Career Builder

2008-04-02T16:29:00.001-04:00

Maybelline/Garnier Writes to Brett

2008-04-01T08:54:00.008-04:00

Companies will apologize for anything.

Remember when I wrote a completely neutral, disinterested consumer letter to Garnier Fructis?

Well, they got back to me:

That's $10 I've "earned" from my labor. That pays for registering this domain for a year. Maybe if I complain to Fort Knox I'll get a complimentary bar of gold.

Ooh, I should complain to Elizabeth Berg about something.

Brett Writes to an Assisted Suicide Clinic in Switzerland

2008-03-31T16:00:00.003-04:00

Trojan Condoms Writes to Brett

2008-03-28T08:50:00.008-04:00

I get asked probably once a day what kind of replies I get to my letters. I get very, very few replies. These letters are frequently offensive and ignorant enough that they don't even warrant a reply from the most magnanimous and consumer-friendly of organizations.
So imagine my surprise last night when probably my most absurd and stupid letter got a response. There was a thick envelope waiting for me when I got home from work last night. Who wrote to lil' ol' me? The Church & Dwight Company, Inc. These guys are the parent company of Trojan condoms.

Click here to read my incredibly stupid letter.

Because of my supposed raging ignorance about condoms, they were kind enough to send a small brochure about how to use their product next time I'm with the lady-folk. The form letter from them was half disappointing, and half hilarious.

I write to them suggesting that their water balloons might be good for sex, and they say "sorry".

Also, for my trouble, they sent me a check for $5. (I've blocked out the routing/account/check numbers, because I'm not an asshole/idiot)

Brett Plans an Anderson Cooper Party!

2008-03-27T14:26:00.001-04:00

Brett Fights Diabetes by Writing to Liberty Medical

2008-03-26T11:29:00.004-04:00

Brett Tells Jokes to Conan O'Brien

2008-03-25T14:02:00.001-04:00

Brett Incorporates His Own Business

2008-03-24T15:31:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to Ditech Mortgages

2008-03-23T17:39:00.002-04:00

Ask Jesus: A new advice column at B&HT

2008-03-22T20:06:00.011-04:00

Along the right panel of the website, I'll be featuring "Ask Jesus".

Today is the column's first installment. Jesus answers a letter from Janet in Gainesville, Florida. Click play to hear Jesus' reply.

Dear Jesus,

Just recently I passed through Louisiana on a drive to Florida. On a stop at a gas station, I came across the most amazing thing.... single-dose birth control packets! Should I trust these little miracle pills to block the trucker’s tadpoles?

Word to your mother, yo.

Janet

Hit play to hear Jesus' reply:

If the player doesn't load for you, click this link instead: Listen to Jesus!

E-mail Jesus at: jesuschrist@typewriterbrett.com

Brett Writes to Charles Schwab (Himself)

2008-03-21T10:24:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to Pro-Literacy Worldwide

2008-03-20T15:10:00.004-04:00

Also, a quick question. Is writing "Fuck the illiterate!" more like flipping off a blind man, or listening patiently to a mute?

Brett Hires a Butler

2008-03-19T15:45:00.002-04:00

Brett Writes to the Ruger Firearms Corporation

2008-03-18T12:43:00.016-04:00

Brett Writes to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

2008-03-17T12:42:00.004-04:00

Brett Writes to Representative Darlene Hooley

2008-03-14T15:16:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to Dalmation Rescue, Inc.

2008-03-12T15:18:00.001-04:00

Coach Brett Writes to Crown Trophies

2008-03-11T16:17:00.003-04:00

Brett Writes to the Associated Press

2008-03-10T12:16:00.014-04:00

The AP Finds Drugs in Drinking Water

Brett Writes to the Washington Apple Commission

2008-03-07T14:53:00.004-05:00

Brett Writes to Crayola Crayons

2008-03-06T12:59:00.003-05:00

Brett Writes to Chicago's Dumbest Councilman

2008-03-05T12:56:00.006-05:00

Chicago hopes to ban small plastic bags.

Brett Writes to His Shampoo Manufacturer

2008-03-04T12:58:00.003-05:00

Brett Writes to "Garfield" Creator Jim Davis

2008-03-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

Not dead...

2008-02-27T14:31:00.002-05:00

...I just wish I was. I've been sick for the past nine days, and I'm not getting better.

My guess? My manhood is just too massive, and my heart can't handle it anymore.

Actually, it's looking like tonsilitis or mono. I tried to write a letter last night, and I couldn't even keep my hands up. Cusssses. More as soon as I'm able.

Brett Writes to Amy's Vegan Kitchen

2008-02-24T18:16:00.003-05:00

Brett Writes to WBXT-TV

2008-02-23T11:43:00.001-05:00